Get it? Like cosmonaut.
because intercourse usually has a distancing effect on a relationship.
"1. If you’re hungry, forgo ordering a pizza and instead break out red wine and cheese." Sometimes, I think Cosmo thinks I'm dating Christopher Walken in the Continental SNL sketch. That was an obscure reference, but I stand by it.
"2. Upgrade your usual postsex shower by giving each other neck rubs." I'm getting pretty sick of everybody shoving the "couple's shower" down my throat, and making me feel guilty for wanting twenty minutes by myself to lip synch, perform dramatic monologues of What I Should Have Said To That Guy On The Subway, and pee in peace and solitude.
"3. Before you get busy, turn off anything with an on button, like your cell phones, laptops, and TV. That way, the only thing you’ll be plugged into afterward is each other, not your Facebook news feed or DVR queue." Do I also break my thumbs? Otherwise, what keeps me from turning it back on? For the most part, I have power buttons under control.
"4. Instead of rolling over once the action is done, drape one of your legs over his and rest your hands on his chest. It will keep you connected without doing the spooning thing." Thanks for the idea, but I've been successfully snuggling for years now. It's not really that hard to figure out.
"5. One word: candles." Because what's more romantic than dying in your sleep together in the blazing inferno that was once your bedroom?
"6. Play hooky and call in sex—er, sick after your romp." I know this is nit picky, but I'm pretty confused about the bolding situation. Why not the last three words? Longer phrases have been bolded. Maybe they knew I'd be doing this, and they're trying to make it harder for me on purpose. I don't want to have to cut and paste the whole tip. I don't even want to have to read the whole tip.
"7. Set your iPod to a romantic playlist." Mood music? You're blowing my mind. But the bigger question is how my iPod works after I've turned the power off.
"8. Reverse-strip each other. Slowly button his shirt, and let him zip up your skirt. Dressing each other is super intimate since it taps in to the primal instinct to “preen” your mate." I copied this whole tip on purpose, because I don't think I've ever seen the phrase "preen your mate" in reference to humans.
I found ten bucks in my pocket while writing this. Does that make me a freelance journalist? Probably not, but I'm putting it on my resume anyway.
Why can't I just pee in peace?
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend hugged me in the shower once and the crevice on his shoulder where my mouth and nose were filled with water and I almost drowned. That is how couple shower just about killed me.
ReplyDelete